Tooth’s Sydney Draught

There ain’t anything understated about this ad is there?  And fucking hell they fit a lot in don’t they ? I count 64 shots in sixty seconds,. Now that’s impressive.

Here is the role call, feel free to play a game I like to call ‘Spot that Cliché.’

1.       Close up of a bum (Chick’s arse not homeless guy”) on a beach (with a Jump cut none the less)

2.       Close up of two bums walking down a beach

3.       A guy waxing his surfboard.

4.       Close up of a trashy looking red lipped model who would be more at home in a 0055 commercial.

5.       A chick washing a hot rod in a white t-shirt (as you do)  

6.       Close up of her boobs as she is squirted with a hose.

7.       Topless guy with zinc cream on his lips (there is that fucking jump cut again)

8.       An Esky opening

9.       Pack Shot!!!!!

10.     Pack Shot !!!! in Ice

11.   Pack shot !!!! as a wall of beer

12.   A dude with a ‘tache at a BBQ (almost) drinking with a Jenny Kees clad chick in the background

13.   Pack Shot!!!!!

14.   Another Dude drinking

15.   Pack Shot!!!!!

16.   Two guys drinking

17.   Pack Shot!!!!!

18.   A dude with a satisfied wipe of the mouth

19.   Pack Shot!!!!! In a fridge

20.   A guy with a beard drinking in a stark studio

21.   A drunk jockey

22.   A horse

23.   Some lights

24.   Close up of a drag car’s wheels

25.   Long shot of a drag Car

26.   A Bus in a studio with a sign scrolling through Sydney suburbs  (because it’s a Sydney beer you see)

27.   A Dude passing two beers down a down red arrow (that is placed near his cock) to another guy (I don’t get the red arrow, maybe it was the trop fest item for that year and the ad man’s short film footage got mixed up with the ad and got edited in by mistake (All ad men are making trop fest films))

28.   Pack Shot!!!!!

29.   Pack Shot!!!!! With an overflowing glass.

30.   Back to that BBQ again (I like the antisocial prick reading the paper)

31.   Pack Shot!!!!! On a silver platter none the less – classy.

32.   Dude with mutton chops drinking

33.   Pack Shot!!!!!

34.   Pack Shot!!!!! Of the cans on top of what looks like a graphic equaliser (remember those)

And we have hit the 30 second mark – We know this is a 60 second ad, but the thing is most 60 second ads are only produced as a complete wank by the agency and the client. What will actually run is the 30 second version. So much like the extended 12 inch mix of any 1980’s song the rest of this ad is filler and the second rate ideas.

35.   Flashing Sydney Sign (did we mention this beer was from Sydney?)

36.   Pack Shot!!!!!

37.   A Guitar

38.   A band playing in the dark

39.   A chick dancing next to a truck with her face in the dark

40.   A truck driver

41.   A pool table

42.   A numberplate with Sydney written on it (I think this beer might be from Sydney)

43.   A shot of centrepoint tower ripped off from a tourism NSW ad.

44.   Someone playing rugby on a beach

45.   A chick laughing

46.   Driving along the Sydney harbour bridge

47.   A long shot of the bridge

48.   A really shit joke about a Sydney Fridge (and another jump cut because the pace of the ad was obviously lagging)

49.   A subliminal flashing neon sign – It says ‘S’ (for Sydney I assume)

50.   A door man and a rich woman (becuase this is a classy beer)

51.   Another subliminal neon sign

52.   Shot of a guy outside a strip club

53.   Another fucking arrow – this time green

54.   A neon sign that says Bar

55.   Two neon circles that look like boobs

56.   Some guys (and one token chick in a pirate shirt) in a pub

57.   Pack Shot!!!!!

58.   A fat guy in a wife beater drinking (In a pub, god only knows how he got in)

59.   Pack Shot!!!!!

60.   The laughing chick is back.

61.   And the fat guy, now he’s wiping his mouth

62.   A dude drinking , too fast and spilling his beer

63.   Pack Shot!!!!!

64.   Logo against a skyline shot

 

Combine that with one of the worst taglines ever “Why are we here?” and I’m not surprised this beer doesn’t exist anymore

KB Draught

Ahhh, the Bong Bong country races, the perfect setting for an advertisement about beer. Why? Because it’s the country which is fucking Aussie, and Bong Bong just sounds a bit rude. Not as rude a Spanker’s Knob in Gippsland, but hey KB Draught is a NSW beer so they had to stick with this – Although Finger Post (near Mudgee) could have been a better bet.

But I digress, back to what makes this ad great. The story, It’s a perfect early 1980’s Aussie story, first we introduce the dude in the stubbies and tux jacket – the height of fashion in those days. Second the slutty receptionist, this of course a time when the key responsibilities for the receptionist was answering phone calls and giving head jobs, plus her name is Raelene, I’m sure that no one has been called Raelene since 1983.

The thing that really dates this ad though is the bashing of the computer. This was a time before the internet so this was a time before men realised that computers were the world’s most powerful tool for finding porn, so we thought that computers would never be smarter than people. Now of course I know sixteen people who are dumber than my tamagotchi.

Okay so we have hit the half way mark of this ad, and there has been no singing and you couldn’t sell beer in the 80’s without a song so it’s time to cue the jingle, the key line – Shake hands with a cold cold beer.’ This sounds like a euphemism to me….

 

 

Beer & the Art of Fast Bowling.

So I’m sticking to the Light Beer advertisements, we have learnt that they are good for driving, getting out of trouble with the trouble and strife, picking up sluts and of course for avoiding hangovers, but now there’s more light beer help you play cricket better.

That’s right this gem from those crazy south Australians – West End shows that if you as a red blooded Australian need to whack the crap out of a Indian with the cricket ball you are going to need to get yourself some West End Light.

That’s right Beer makes you better at sport. I have to admit however that I’m a little concerned with the narrative on this ad, Is there a suggestion that the bowler is on the full strengths for the first few balls and then goes away and has his West End Light and instantly he becomes a fast bowling speed machine, fuck that beer must be good (It’s West End and Light so here’s a tip it’s not good, at all).

And the Moustache count for this advert – a disappointing two.