Colonial Kolsch

Prologue:  I only ever drink Colonial beers when I’m at Lamaro’s, I only ever go to Lamaro’s when I’m not paying.

My first boss explained to me many years ago “Leon, you work in media now, you don’t pay for anything anymore.” This was possibly the most important thing he ever taught me. Of course he should have added “but you will have to eat lunch with complete douche bags all the fucking time.”

As I’ve matured in the industry I managed to determine which sales reps are douche bags and which are actual decent human beings. Now I have mastered the art of only lunching with people I actually like. Sure it means there are only about ten reps, out of a few hundred that are trying to sell me things whom I will have lunch with, and it does limit the free lunches I can partake in, but it does make them a lot more enjoyable.

So this is how I found myself at Lamaro’s, sipping a Colonial Kolsch waiting for two of the aforementioned decent human beings to join me for what turned out to be a cracking lunch. It included such conversation topics as the downfall of Communism in China, the flaws of the American political system, if Melbourne Bitter was Australia’s most underrated beer, and a raging argument about whether you could tell the difference between on tap VB and on tap Carlton Draught in a blind taste test (unfortunately Lamaro’s lacked VB on tap so we still don’t know the answer). 

Packaging:  I don’t think any Colonial beers are packaged; they are all on tap beers served at Colonial owned pubs (Which include Lamaro’s, Bimbo Deluxe, Lucky Coq, Skinny Dog and a few others).

Smell: A light smell which isn’t surprising, a hint of lemon and grass in there too.  

Appearance:  It’s a very light beer, with a frothy white head and streaming tiny bubbles, really a very attractive looking brew.  

Taste:  Again it’s all very light. It has a light body and is nicely balanced with a slight lingering hop taste, with the grass and lemons back again this is a beer made for quaffing on a warm Sunday afternoon rather than studying and analysing.  

In conclusion: Kolsch is a style that I struggle to get excited about. If you are making a good kolsch then you are making an easy to drink, light style beer, and this beer is exactly that, but still hard to get excited about. 

Ranking:  I’ll have a Schooner.

Long Bow Youtube Clip: You might have noticed earlier that I mentioned that Colonial own Bimbo Deluxe, which actually makes me hate them a little. The reason? Bimbo Deluxe killed The Punters Club which was one of the best band venues in town and a place I spent many a night back in the day. So as a tribute to The Punter’s Club here is TISM, I should warn this video involves balaclavas and a cock so you know, probably don’t watch it at work or on a tram or anything.

Colonial Porter

Prologue  Colonial was not a brewery I had ever heard of. But there they were, three Colonial beers listed on the menu of my local gastro pub, LamarosI had to take the chance, I ordered the Porter and sat back in anticipation.

I had a horrible thought that the beer might be somehow connected to the Colonial pub in King Street in Melbourne, which is a pub I’ve been known to frequent before the football at Colonial Stadium Telstra dome, Etihad stadium. It was, and I imagine still is an ordinary pub.

The good news is the Colonial Brewing Company is not affiliated with it, and are not an ordinary brewery. The website tells me that they are situated in the Margaret River region of WA. The photos tell me that they seem to be run by a man with James May like hair and may be home to a bunch of horses and a chicken.

This bodes well.

Appearance:  The beer was dark, almost black. It had a thick brown head made up of large bubbles.    

Taste:  It was full in the mouth, but quite subtle in flavour with some fine carbonation.  There was some bitterness in the mid sip and then an aftertaste of burnt malt. The burnt nature giving it an almost acidic touch.  

Possible drinking location : Can I suggest jumping on a plane and heading over west, it looks pretty nice…


Packaging:  From what I can tell they don’t bottle their beers, so it might make it tough to find (they are only available in WA and Victoria). I can tell you that it comes in an awesome glass, it’s like this tall and skinny test tube. It makes you feel like a right beer wanker (in good way).  

Food Suggestion:  A drank this at Lamaro’s so anything I ate with it was going to be brilliant. I started with some seafood, which didn’t really suit it but then I had the Waygu minute steak with pine mushrooms and truffle butter mashed potatoes which suited the porter just fine. (admittedly it would have made dishwater taste good too)

In conclusion:  A good beer, not as smooth as the chocolate stouts I’ve been trying of late, but rather it’s more on the refreshing side with its subtle flavours.   

Ranking:  I’ll have a Pint thanks.

 Long bow Youtube clip: Because Colonial is from WA I present to Way out West by the Dingoes